.. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.The biggest lie I tell myself is...”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet... Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there. We got there just about seven and the place was packed with cars. We carried our little cooler with a few beers for me and some wine for my wife and walked around to where all the music and splashing was coming from. Hey guys , great to see you Terry yelled, he was manning the grill and Kelly was on a float in the pool. Oh yeah , she was smoking hot. My wife looked me in the eye and then thumped me right on the cage and said down boy. Terry saw it and said easy don't hurt the man's berries. OH that my wife said, you can't hurt him see and then she slapped me right in the cods. I bearly jumped. The CB acts like a cup almost. You are a bad assed dude Terry said, I'd be doubled over crying if that happened to me. Ah I said it's nothing..I sat my stuff down and being that my wife had to show off by hitting me TWICE in the balls I thought I'd have some fun. I grabbed her shoulders and acted like I was going to push her in the pool, HERE GO SWIMMING I SAID. She screamed and everyone.
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